"well of course you didn't"

This week I'm facing down the impending end of my concussion funding, the end of a level of wraparound support and targeted compassionate care such as I have never known. I didn't realise just how much stress I was carrying about that until yesterday when my occupational therapist said something like 'well you can continue to book us privately' and I nearly cried.

I didn't know that was an option and I had been trying to both reckon with life without all that, and various schemes for alternatives etc.

And then i managed to knock a tree branch down onto my head and had a panic attack about injuring myself again and if anyone might think i'd done it on purpose. But there seem to be no lasting effects - small branch - and I digress.

This all reminded me of the interview a couple of years back with Matt, a psychologist who I found in the early days of diagnosis to help me understand and troubleshoot the way my brain works. I filmed a conversation with him for my workplace, and we talked through communication strategies, and how to work with the brains we have, support each other's brains.

The one part of this interview that has really stuck with me was when I verbalised something i had never really shared much before that - how difficult i find it to fill in forms. We talked through the various form crimes and then he casually suggested that to bypass the mandatory fields and see what was on the next page I could just put a '.' in each box (or any random character I suppose). I have a screenshot saved of my face in that moment as I processed that, said I never thought of that, laughed, and had a small cry.

"Of course you didn't. That's not how your brain works".

It was a turning point for me of sorts, truly beginning to appreciate the spiky profile and how complex it all is. the way my brain can be so multi-dimensional and creative and curious and fact-retentive in some ways, but at the same time completely fail to connect basic things or see things out of context/in other contexts. And also that it might be ok. Ok to talk about it, and that I might be ok in the world - with or without support.

Learning to accept support is such a journey and it's still a complex battle for me, not to mention a massive privilege that many people do not have access to whatever the reason. Next week my occupational therapist is coming to help me work through my decision processes about decluttering and starting to clear some spaces of stuff I just can't manage to sort out. Actually can't wait.