inconsistent

Apparently I can't swallow pills today.

I've been writing about the adhd experience lately in preparation for speaking to my local medical practice about it later this week. I want them to hear a lived experience approach ahead of the diagnosing professional change early next year. I'll tell them that adhd is poorly named, that it isn't about attention per se, or hyperactivity but an inability to regulate whether that be talking too much, fidgeting or not sitting still, or the overwhelming inner world of rumination and anxiety that just won't be quiet.

The other hardest part about my experience is that it is so inconsistent. I can't ever fully rely on the future, that I will have access to all my skills or energy on any given day. Concussion and burnout has also made this so much worse. I'm operating like a pale shadow of myself, a slowly rebuilding avatar which can only take minute damage before it falls apart again.

Trouble swallowing pills only happens occasionally and never with warning but it has such an effect - an overwhelming danger trigger even if only for a few moments. It's hard not to then let the thoughts of failure set in, the biting words of self criticism that unfortunately aren't one of those inconsistent features of my life.

"Why can't you just do this, you did it before?"

I don't know.

At the conference I attended recently Pete Wharmby (author of untypical) talked about how it is the attitudes of others which really makes a place inclusive or not, far over and above the physical accommodations. Open minds over judgments, and the understanding that we are all just people, that there is no one right way to be a person.

In my research I focused on this too. I looked at how to create a culture which is innately collective and curious, that is based around a practice of 'dialogue action reflection' cycles; continuous learning and development mirroring both software/product practice and that from radical liberation theory.

A truly inclusive environment accepts that we aren't all at 100% all the time, but looks to the system and process, the factors that enable or disable us, to see what can change so that next time will be better. This way offer far less judgment or personal blame just a commitment to try again tomorrow.