don't fight the boat

This time a year ago I was sat in hospital waiting to be seen for the concussion that, then, I still thought was no big deal.

Possibly tempting fate I rowed again today but this time it was a brilliant row. It was that day a year ago too, until it wasn’t. 

I’m a huge fan of metaphors and rowing has provided me with plenty. Today something clicked for me a little bit while I was out there. We were talking about the setup of the boat as two of us had to shift our feet after the first run, and how deceptively lumpy the water was. I said I always assume it’s my fault when the balance is off especially when I’m out with more experienced peeps like today, rather than accounting for factors like this boat is set up for large men rather than me, or it’s choppy. 

Of course the more skilled you are the better you can row through anything that’s a bit challenging. But I think I invest so much into trying to adjust and compensate and fix my technique for every new situation always assuming that what I’m doing is completely wrong with additional pressure from each piece of feedback - that ironically I haven’t fully developed the consistency (and calmness) that would help me actually row well. 

And I think it’s the case in other parts of life as well. Like many neuroqueer or otherwise marginalised people I’m so conditioned to believe that I’ve done something wrong, that I am wrong, that I have learned to not back myself and my ideas. I end up squashing down the ideas and doubt the surety that does arise because that’s consistent with my experience. 

I’ve been struggling so hard with writing up a bio, defining what I can offer, and trusting in my own choices about all this. I think it comes from the same place. This post-concussion post-masters post everything else that has gone down this past couple years has been wild.

I imagine it’s not great for business to speak all of this out loud but processing is what I do and if I’ve learned anything through all this it's that authenticity is the most important thing to me. It’s not a value judgment, it just is. I think open vulnerability is a crucial part of systems change and it creates space for others to speak, for all of us to learn. 

With about 2km to go in a distance race last year in very choppy blustery conditions one of my rowing gates popped open. That could have ended in disaster but I was in stroke seat leading my crew, and had my focus on lock. I suppose I probably must have dropped my power down a bit but I just doubled down on smooth form and rowed it out - without losing my oar. I’ve done that so many times before I had no other option but to make it work and in that situation I did - we did.

I've written a tonne lately but I haven’t begun editing so it’s a hot mess. But soon. So I just need to remember I can do these things. Start this company to offer myself and what I can do to the world - that unique combination of my skills and experience and research and purpose …. it's an offering to myself just as much as it is to others.

I've been reshaping the workshop I wrote for masters and it's ready for testing. I'm nervous and kind of excited to see how it goes in real life: it's about a systems change approach to building inclusive teams through another metaphor I'm very fond of ... I need to work on a catchier description. But I am quite pleased with it and I hope it'll be the basis of this consulting.

One of its major themes is interdependence/reciprocity. I never would have made it through this year without the people around me who stepped up in so many ways. I've had to learn people want to do things for me even when I can't repay right now - it'll come around one way or another and in the end we're all stronger for that.

With some kind of poetic serendipity to round this out I happened upon a photo of us out this morning (thanks to a magnificent new colleague/friend I made right before I left!! <3)